7 Steps for Surviving Separation

The painful realisation that your spouse has had an affair, is something that those of us who have experienced it would not wish on their worst enemy. But we can’t stay in that house of pain. Let’s talk about it & find a plan to move forward…

I created the meme above to try and get across the fact that no matter what the cause, if you have genuinely been doing your best to love someone for a number of years and you become separated, “getting over it” is not an option for a while (hating the other person does not count as being “over it”).

It is okay to have meltdowns. In fact, regardless of whether it’s okay or not, they will come. Just don’t stay melted, be reshaped into a new mold.

We feel like Judah written of in Isaiah 30:14:

“You will be smashed like a piece of pottery—
    shattered so completely that
there won’t be a piece big enough
    to carry coals from a fireplace
    or a little water from the well.”

Quite encouraging really, isn’t it? Well, in a “I’m not the only one being smashed to pieces” kind of way at least.

Mixed emotions of extreme anger, sadness, frustration, exhaustion, relief (at least in part from knowing the truth), intense insanity, helplessness, embarrassment, passing of blame, and the list goes on. The feeling of separation and divorce has been likened to the grief of losing a loved one through death.

So what to do? Is there anything that can help?

Thankfully, yes. Unfortunately there is no quick fix, these are deep wounds and will need the full length and breadth of God’s grace to mend.

Action step: Never Unclip In A Storm.

In the midst of painful experiences, there is a lot to be said for going through the motions. But we don’t usually say it.

I remember a story from years ago when a sailor was on the deck of his yacht in a storm. He had his harness on and was attached to a rope tied to the yacht when suddenly the yacht flipped and he found himself under the water. In a moment he grabbed at the clip to untie himself from it and try to swim for air, but then he remembered his training: Never unclip in a storm. He didn’t. Just as quickly as he’d made the decision not to unclip, the yacht righted itself and he was breathing again on deck. Had he unclipped the rope he would have been lost to the sea.

As Christians we are fearful of ‘going through the motions’ and rightly so. However, I know that for me, it kept me breathing. Keep to what you do as much as possible. Yes, things will be vastly different, you’ll see everything differently. Maybe you had to move house. Maybe you couldn’t keep the job you had.  But hold on and keep walking. With time, sometimes a lot of it, and a right heart before God, it does steadily get easier to breathe and exist.

It is hard to write in a brief blog post all the ins and outs of the emotions and experiences and multitude of seemingly changing realities…

7 Steps to Surviving Separation:

1. People won’t understand. Don’t expect them to.

2. Don’t blame God for your situation, He is your ticket out of this situation.

3. Keep walking the walk and not talking so much talk. Talk to God, scream at God, whisper to God, cry to God, laugh with God.

4. If you struggle to pray or read the Word like I did (reading about adultery in the bible made me throw it across the room & trying to pray just brought me to tears), keep testing the waters. Try it daily and eventually some form of normality returns.

5. Be grateful for what you do still have, even if everything and everyone else has left you and all you have is your salvation, be grateful. Never lose your heart of gratitude, your gonna need it.

6. Don’t be too hard on yourself needlessly. But remember your hurt is not an excuse.

7. Find someone that could use your help.

This is why we work hard and continue to struggle, for our hope is in the living God, who is the Savior of all people and particularly of all believers. – 1 Timothy 4:10 (NLT)

God bless you this week

Graham – Headed for Heaven