The Reality of Divorce Among Christians

Drift.

Unfortunately the reality of divorce, even as Christians, has become all too real. It certainly did for me.

As a proud-to-be (over) committed, evangelical, Pentecostal Christian, I ignorantly believed my marriage was ‘bulletproof’, because we were both Christians and committed to God and each other (as far as I knew). The one thing I hadn’t accounted for, was that we were both also very human.

It’s a topic that doesn’t get brought up too often in church circles and when it does, it’s usually either hushed away in a private conversation somewhere, or spoken of over the pulpit by someone that means well but has absolutely no idea what it is, or what it feels like to go through while you sit there grinding your teeth and heart out listening to the announcements of the next Marriage Retreat or Couples Nights.

Over the next few weeks I’d like to share some of my own personal feelings and experiences going through the drift, separation, divorce, the after-math, and the process of healing (also known as, I don’t have to avoid people anymore).

Let’s go…

1. DRIFT

“How can we drift apart when we sat in a church 3 times a week listening to messages about relationships and not drifting apart and loving God and each other more? I didn’t think it was possible.”

Although, looking back, I was simply too stubborn to change. I believed that my service to the church was ‘my ministry’ and was me ‘serving God’. While it was those things, they were not to be given time to the neglect of my marital relationship. Now, we listened to sermons on not neglecting our marriage, went on marriage retreats and did all the things that look good on the outside. But the reality was neglect due to a twisted view of serving God. And it led to drift.

Drifting apart within our relationships, is something that can happen right under our noses – Even when we don’t think we are. The anchor is out, but it’s not hooked on to anything solid.

With three church services a week, outreach on Saturday, Men’s breakfasts, Concerts on Saturday nights, worship team, band practice, bible study and a youth group… life tends to be relatively busy.

Now, you don’t have to be that busy for drift to happen in your relationships, you just have to stop looking for, and being honest about, the signs.

ACTION STEPS FOR THOSE STILL MARRIED (or re-married)

Two Defences against drift:

1. The absolute best number one defence for drift, is communication. Raw, truthful, question answering, sometimes hurting, COMMUNICATION.
2. The number two best defence must be used in conjunction with number one, otherwise number one becomes useless. If any form of drift is recognised through action step 1, CHANGE SOMETHING AT ANY COST! Your pride WILL cost you your marriage.

Step number 1 must include questions like:

• How am I doing as a spouse?
• Is there anything I could be doing better?
• Am I helping out around the house enough?
• Do you ever feel alone or that I neglect you somehow?
• If there was one thing you could change about me, what would it be?
• Do you feel that I spend enough time with you? Do I spend too much time on… ?
• What do you think I should change that would help us be closer as a couple?

That should get you started with an interesting and honest conversation. Two more things before I sign off on this one:

1. Don’t be afraid of an argument. Many people avoid these ‘talks’ because “They don’t want to talk” or “It would just be an opportunity for them to attack me”. Some of my best conversations that have actually grown my current marriage, have come from me still choosing to ask or say something, even when there’s a chance the initial answer won’t go so well.
2. Actually LISTEN to the answers. Don’t just be ignorant and verbally retaliate at every little thing that is said when your spouse opens up to those questions. This will shut down your future opportunities for genuine conversation. Don’t talk. Just listen.

Remember, apart from your walk with God, your marriage is the most important relationship you have. Over and above everything.

Priority check list: 1. God 2. Spouse 3. Others (Church ministry included here).

Take the risk of honest communication – Your marriage is worth it.

“So again I say, each man must love his wife as he loves himself, and the wife must respect her husband.”

 – Ephesians 5:33 (NLT)

 

Be blessed & be a blessing.

Graham – Headed For Heaven